I'm tired

Any comments, questions, or concerns are encouraged.

Today has been a horrible day.

I didn't have class and woke up around 9:30. I got a solid 9 hours of sleep and woke up exhausted. My stomach is turning and I find myself sweating at times.

I chose to pursue this path almost four years ago. I can honestly say, I had no idea what I was getting into. In theory, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my life. I mean, I'm in college. This should be a time where I'm having fun and preparing for life as a young adult. However, I don't feel this way.

I spend 90% of my time focusing on life as a doctor. Not because I can't wait to be one but because I don't want to have to decide if it's what I want. I can't bring myself to focus on my finals. I can't even relax. I'm constantly hovering over my laptop researching the future of medicine and trying to decide if it's still what I want. I want so badly to know that this is what I want. I want to go back just 6 months when I had no doubts about my career goals.

I'm having trouble studying for my finals. Unfortunately, I'm at the point where I'm not sure if I care anymore. Hell, I don't even know if it's what I want. It's hard to stay motivated when your questioning your motivations. I realized today that I put myself in one of the worst possible positions that I could have. With either choice, I could be living with regrets. If I decide that medicine isn't for me, then I'll always wonder what could have been. If I pursue this, I may find that it wasn't worth it but I'll be stuck. After all, those loans have to be repaid.

I don't know what to do anymore. This process is exhausting. I can handle the workload and material that comes with being a pre-med. What I can't take, is the uncertain and indecisive mood that has overcome me. I've been trying to figure out a way to revert back to my old "self". The truth is, I'm not the same person I was when I started all this.

I'm not checking out of the game just yet. I can, however, tell you that I'm considering it. Unfortunately, I must come to the realization that if I'm starting to regret it now, I'll regret it even more the further in I get.