Well, it's finally over

My goal with this post is to give some kind of insight behind my somewhat sudden decision to hang it up. I'm still in it because I can't just turn it off. However, I'm not as engulfed today as I was yesterday. I'm hoping tomorrow I will be less concerned about it than I am today.

Wow. It's been a tough year. I've struggled with nearly every class I've taken. Specifically, the science classes. The good news is, I finished the year as of 10 am this morning.

I've gotten almost no sleep this week. I have deep, dark circles under my eyes. My back hurts. My eyes hurt. They're poofy and wrinkly. I'm even starting to grow a beard. I have a suspicion that when I come home for summer break, my family won't recognize me. It looks like I've been through a war. I think I look on the outside how I feel on the inside. This upsets me but I know it comes with the territory.

In a way, I have been through a war. Not a real one of course but one where I constantly battle my feelings of the future. I've won some days and lost big on other days. Even though the semester is over and I never have to take these same classes again, I know that if I were to continue this, I would be in almost the same state of mind I am in now; a depression. There will be other classes, likely just as hard if not harder. It won't just stop there. I'll have 8 more years of that. I don't know if that's too much. Today, it sounds like it is.

I frequently discuss the majority of my thoughts and feelings with my girlfriend. Naturally, when I told her that I'm packing it up for awhile, she was sad. But she understood. She's seen day in and day out how I've changed. She can see on my face just how discouraged and beat down I am. I think that she knew deep down that this day was coming.

I don't regret giving in. I know it wasn't because it was too hard or because I couldn't do it. I just don't know if it will be worth it. Until I know, I won't subject myself to this kind of punishment.

It's a hard decision that I made. It's hard to give up. I've literally spent four years "sculpting" my application for medical school only to walk away with nothing to show for it except a weathered face and feelings of frustration. I've known for four years that this is what I want. And now, I'm walking away. A part of me hopes that I'll come back to this in less than a few months. Maybe less than a few weeks. However, another part of me wants to move on and never look back. This process has changed me. I'm not the same person I used to be. I used to be a considerably laid back person. I still am of course but not to the same degree. I have a lot invested in this and took it very seriously. Perhaps too seriously.

In the coming days, weeks, or months, I want to decide what I want after college. I know I want a family, a nice house, kids, and free time with my family. I want to be healthy. I want to look healthy. If being a doctor doesn't allow for any or all of those things, is it so bad that I don't want it? I should say no. But I can't help feel like I lost a part of myself. Wanting to be a doctor is who I've been for the last four years. I don't know how to be anything else.

I think I can have all the things mentioned above while being a doctor. Of course, it would probably be harder and that's ok. Many doctors will tell students that taking care of yourself and spending time with your family isn't easy. You have to work at both. No one is going to do that for you.

I still stand by my decision. I've wavered some today and thought about going back. I don't think it's because I want to be a doctor. I think it's because I'm scared of where I might be heading.

I'll continue to update this blog but probably not for another week or so. I'm going on a vacation with my dog, Sassy. We are going to watch tv and sleep. And then, I'll sleep some more. Maybe, when I have caught up on sleep, recharged my batteries, and fully decompressed, I'll have a new outlook. I should probably hurry, though. I have 5 days until I start my next class.