I'm still pretty tired...but optimistic

Well...I'm still standing. I don't know how, though. At times, I'm so exhausted that I don't care about anything but sleep. I think there is an underlying problem and am currently waiting on some test results from my doctor. Hopefully it is something treatable and I can get better and then refocus.

In the last few days/weeks, I've begun to sway towards oral surgery. This is a dental specialty. It's the same amount of schooling as anesthesia. Oral surgery is 4 years of dental school + 4 years of surgery residency. They are trained in numerous facial surgeries including several cosmetic procedures. They also have more training in anesthesia than any other doctor, besides an anesthesiologist.

I've been considering oral surgery because it would allow me to do all the work on the patient. That's what I really want. I don't want to hand off my work to a tech or nurse and then "check" their work. They make very good money and in some instances hold both a DDS and MD degree. I would get to own my own practice as well. I could do surgeries early in the morning and consultations in the afternoon.

One of the most appealing aspects of dentistry for me is the flexibility associated with the schooling. I could do a residency in oral surgery and if I don't like it or the field changes I can always go back to general dentistry, or even cosmetic dentistry. Unlike medicine, in which you have to train for the specific doctor that you want to be, dentistry trains you to be a general dentist. That's always a back up plan and I really like "a way out" so to speak. I feel like I would have more options in dentistry.

However, anesthesia is my first choice. Anesthesia all the way. I love the idea of it. I think it fits my personality better than OMS(oral surgery). Anesthesia is typically a field where the physicians are laid back, calm, and collected. What originally attracted me to the field was the ability for me to ease people's fears associated with surgery and anesthesia. I want to control and eliminate pain. Anesthesia is one of the few specialties in medicine where this is possible, with immediate results. Additionally, anesthesia is the only specialty where the doctor prescribes, administers, and monitors drugs given to patients. I consider it a "behind the scenes" job because they are passively involved. I often hear from anesthesiologists that the job can be described as 98% boredom and 2% sheer terror. For some reason, I like that idea. I would like being the go to guy in the hospital when shit hits the fan.

Dentistry school is a little more difficult to get into so I have to look at my competitiveness when deciding. I also plan on shadowing several oral surgeons. I don't plan on making my decision for at least several months. I'll just be weighing my options and try and get through summer school.

Blah, blah

Well, I've decided to continue on my pre-professional route. I'm back taking classes and hope to register for the appropriate testing that I need this fall.

I'm taking quite a course load this summer but I'm hoping it will make next year just a little bit easier.

I've figured that I want to go to some sort of professional school. I haven't decided whether or not to declare pre-dentistry or pre-medicine.

The more and more I look into dentistry, the more I like what I see. Before wanting to be a doctor, I also hinted at dentistry. There are many different fields in dentistry, including anesthesia, and I think I would be happy in that field. There are less politics and less negative aspects associated with dentistry.

If I did dentistry, I would probably specialize. Maybe orthodontics. Perhaps oral surgery. Most likely, anesthesia. I really want to be an anesthesiologist and perhaps dentistry is another road that I could take.

Well, it's finally over

My goal with this post is to give some kind of insight behind my somewhat sudden decision to hang it up. I'm still in it because I can't just turn it off. However, I'm not as engulfed today as I was yesterday. I'm hoping tomorrow I will be less concerned about it than I am today.

Wow. It's been a tough year. I've struggled with nearly every class I've taken. Specifically, the science classes. The good news is, I finished the year as of 10 am this morning.

I've gotten almost no sleep this week. I have deep, dark circles under my eyes. My back hurts. My eyes hurt. They're poofy and wrinkly. I'm even starting to grow a beard. I have a suspicion that when I come home for summer break, my family won't recognize me. It looks like I've been through a war. I think I look on the outside how I feel on the inside. This upsets me but I know it comes with the territory.

In a way, I have been through a war. Not a real one of course but one where I constantly battle my feelings of the future. I've won some days and lost big on other days. Even though the semester is over and I never have to take these same classes again, I know that if I were to continue this, I would be in almost the same state of mind I am in now; a depression. There will be other classes, likely just as hard if not harder. It won't just stop there. I'll have 8 more years of that. I don't know if that's too much. Today, it sounds like it is.

I frequently discuss the majority of my thoughts and feelings with my girlfriend. Naturally, when I told her that I'm packing it up for awhile, she was sad. But she understood. She's seen day in and day out how I've changed. She can see on my face just how discouraged and beat down I am. I think that she knew deep down that this day was coming.

I don't regret giving in. I know it wasn't because it was too hard or because I couldn't do it. I just don't know if it will be worth it. Until I know, I won't subject myself to this kind of punishment.

It's a hard decision that I made. It's hard to give up. I've literally spent four years "sculpting" my application for medical school only to walk away with nothing to show for it except a weathered face and feelings of frustration. I've known for four years that this is what I want. And now, I'm walking away. A part of me hopes that I'll come back to this in less than a few months. Maybe less than a few weeks. However, another part of me wants to move on and never look back. This process has changed me. I'm not the same person I used to be. I used to be a considerably laid back person. I still am of course but not to the same degree. I have a lot invested in this and took it very seriously. Perhaps too seriously.

In the coming days, weeks, or months, I want to decide what I want after college. I know I want a family, a nice house, kids, and free time with my family. I want to be healthy. I want to look healthy. If being a doctor doesn't allow for any or all of those things, is it so bad that I don't want it? I should say no. But I can't help feel like I lost a part of myself. Wanting to be a doctor is who I've been for the last four years. I don't know how to be anything else.

I think I can have all the things mentioned above while being a doctor. Of course, it would probably be harder and that's ok. Many doctors will tell students that taking care of yourself and spending time with your family isn't easy. You have to work at both. No one is going to do that for you.

I still stand by my decision. I've wavered some today and thought about going back. I don't think it's because I want to be a doctor. I think it's because I'm scared of where I might be heading.

I'll continue to update this blog but probably not for another week or so. I'm going on a vacation with my dog, Sassy. We are going to watch tv and sleep. And then, I'll sleep some more. Maybe, when I have caught up on sleep, recharged my batteries, and fully decompressed, I'll have a new outlook. I should probably hurry, though. I have 5 days until I start my next class.

It might be time...

At this point, I have decided that I will no longer be pursuing medicine.

This does not mean that I won't ever come back to the idea. However, I think it's time for a break. Life is miserable for me when "I'm on the fence".

I'm scheduled to take 2 pre-requisites this summer and will most likely be withdrawing from them.

I can't even think about school and/or the future. At this point in time, I will not be studying for the MCAT or registering for it. I will most likely graduate with a degree in Philosophy and may or may not finish the medicine prereq classes.

If I do come back to this path I will most likely take a year off after my undergrad.

My thoughts and feelings may change once I let this sink in. I'm not really sure. I need to take a step back and look at things from the outside. I don't know if this is what I want anymore. I need for my heart and mind to be in this 100%.

When they are both in 100%, if ever, I'll be back. Until then, I'll be weighing my options and deciding what I want after graduation.

I'm tired

Any comments, questions, or concerns are encouraged.

Today has been a horrible day.

I didn't have class and woke up around 9:30. I got a solid 9 hours of sleep and woke up exhausted. My stomach is turning and I find myself sweating at times.

I chose to pursue this path almost four years ago. I can honestly say, I had no idea what I was getting into. In theory, there is absolutely nothing wrong with my life. I mean, I'm in college. This should be a time where I'm having fun and preparing for life as a young adult. However, I don't feel this way.

I spend 90% of my time focusing on life as a doctor. Not because I can't wait to be one but because I don't want to have to decide if it's what I want. I can't bring myself to focus on my finals. I can't even relax. I'm constantly hovering over my laptop researching the future of medicine and trying to decide if it's still what I want. I want so badly to know that this is what I want. I want to go back just 6 months when I had no doubts about my career goals.

I'm having trouble studying for my finals. Unfortunately, I'm at the point where I'm not sure if I care anymore. Hell, I don't even know if it's what I want. It's hard to stay motivated when your questioning your motivations. I realized today that I put myself in one of the worst possible positions that I could have. With either choice, I could be living with regrets. If I decide that medicine isn't for me, then I'll always wonder what could have been. If I pursue this, I may find that it wasn't worth it but I'll be stuck. After all, those loans have to be repaid.

I don't know what to do anymore. This process is exhausting. I can handle the workload and material that comes with being a pre-med. What I can't take, is the uncertain and indecisive mood that has overcome me. I've been trying to figure out a way to revert back to my old "self". The truth is, I'm not the same person I was when I started all this.

I'm not checking out of the game just yet. I can, however, tell you that I'm considering it. Unfortunately, I must come to the realization that if I'm starting to regret it now, I'll regret it even more the further in I get.

Decisions, Decisions

I spoke to a medical student today who just finished up his first year. I basically talked to him about how I'm worried that I won't be satisfied as a physician.

I found out that a lot of his first year classmates question their decision to pursue medicine. I half expected to hear that. It's a grueling process. He also said that it gets a lot better in years 3 and 4. I did not expect to hear that.

I've heard that year 3 in med school is hell. Year 3 is a set of "rotations" that each student does. It's basically a test drive of all the different specialties. They overwork you and test your stamina. It's kind of like the army I think. You are constantly yelled at for not knowing minute details and treated like crap because you're the lowest on the totem pole. This is frequently when most students regret medicine, or so I've heard.

Anyway, I found out that an acceptance and studying in med school doesn't really scare me. It's really just the outcome of being a physician. With all the crap and changes coming to health care, I'm worried that it won't be worth it. I can handle the crap that comes with med school if there is a light at the end of the tunnel. I'm just not sure there is.

I'm in the final stretch here. I start studying for the MCAT in less than 3 months. I'm saving for applications and interviews. I'm finishing up most of my pre-reqs. I just have to make a decision that I don't think I'm ready to make.

Here comes the Senate

A bill is going through senate regarding health care. In a nutshell, it sucks. Physician compensation goes down, hours go up. I won't be able to afford my bills.

I'm just freaking out right now. I'm sure I'm rambling.

I'm about ten seconds away from switching to pre-dent.

At least I can still be somewhat of a medical professional and I don't have to worry as much about this crap.

Ehh

Today, I want to be a doctor. I have been for the last week or so. The semester is winding up and I'm ready to start my next round of classes. I'll have a little less than a week to charge my batteries and dive into an intense Biology course and Calculus.

My semester grades are looking decent. I'm not nearly as bad off as I thought. I'm still struggling with General Chem but I'm almost done with it.

Today, I don't mind all of the stuff that comes with pre-med. I'm ok with spending the time preparing for school. The only thing I'm starting to dread is preparing for the MCAT. I start this August. I also think I'm going to start training for Little 500. I think I want to ride in it my senior year.

I think part of the reason I don't mind medicine today is because I've been pretty preoccupied with trying to find a new vehicle. The one I have is about to fall apart, litterally. I'm really tired of browsing and just want to refocus on school.

It's kind of weird when I think about it. All I do is bitch about studying and when something else is going on that takes up my time, I just want to go back and think about school.

Relaxing goes a long way

I haven't really thought about being a doctor in the last couple of days. I told myself that I wanted to take a break from the drama that accompanies pre-med students. So far, it has worked. I genuinely feel happy today. I feel optimistic about my future which is weird because I normally don't.

I went out last night with some friends and spent some time relaxing. I got away from school and my work and it felt good. However, the thought of medicine is still in the back of my mind. I know that on Monday, I'll be back to the "neurotic me" constantly stressing out over what needs to been done for the week. I've come to expect this and definitely appreciate my free time.

I'm trying to remember why I'm doing all of this. I think this is easier when I do my clinical volunteering. Those little interactions with the patients remind me of why I want to be a physician. I'm also trying to remember that there is more to college, and life, than perfecting my med school application.

As I'm getting closer to applying, I'm just trying to remember that success is meaningless if I lose myself in it.

A new day

This morning, I felt optimistic about pursuing medicine. However, as the day progressed, I increasingly doubted my decision. I'm not really sure why. It could be the lack of sleep or the fact that I'm burnt out. Every day its something new that I feel is holding me back. Naturally, I spent a good deal of the day weighing the pros and cons. It was at this point that I realized I base the majority of my decisions on one thing: money.

I'm struggling this year. It's been a tough two semesters. Not so much last semester as this one. I haven't gotten the grades I want and am a less competitive applicant than I would like. They are not "bad" grades. They are just not good enough. Typically, people in my situation do one of three things. They'll apply and hope they get in somewhere. They'll take 5+ years getting a degree or do post-bac work. Or, they'll go for an SMP, a junior college for medicine. These are all options of mine. However, I don't necessarily like any of them. It all comes down to money.

Five years of undergrad is more money. An SMP is about the same, cost-wise, as medical school. That's like 5 years of med school tuition. Applying to medical school? Some applicants spend $12k just on their applications.

These options just add to the chaos. Sure, I'm lucky I have options. Unfortunately, all I see are dollar signs.

How can I be sure....

The average med student has, or will accumulate, over $250,000 in debt.

I just broke $40K. I'm not even a junior in college.

A question I constantly ask myself is whether this will all be worth it. I'm not sure if many other students in my position ask themselves this. I can say, however, if they don't, they definitely should be.

I spend hours a day studying the required sciences, writing the pointless lab reports, and reading books on Buddhism. This doesn't bother me.

I spend hundreds of dollars on gas and car repairs so that I can get back and forth between my home and my clinical site. This doesn't bother me.

I spend the time, that I should use to be relaxing and unwinding, catching up on work. This doesn't bother me.

What bothers me is the thought of medicine not being worth it. The thought that after the years of brutal treatment, painfully long hours, and bullshit bureaucracy there is nothing left. What scares me is the idea of devoting my college years, money, time, and ultimately my life to medicine while not receiving anything in return.

Medicine is not something that someone can just get out of. After deciding to be a doctor, you are pretty much locked in. Taking on massive amounts of debt commands a large salary. I frequently hear that if physicians had no debt, they would leave medicine forever. This scares me.

While I've done my best to prepare for what I'm attempting to get into, there is no way to be truly ready. Sure, I've shadowed and volunteered. I've read books and asked questions. I've seen happy doctors. I've seen miserable doctors. There is no way to be fully prepared for what I'm striving for. And by then, it may be too late.

I've learned recently that going into medicine is a huge gamble. Not only because of the future of health care in this country, but also because you'll never really know what it's like until your in it. Even if I go into medicine and decide it's not for me, I'm stuck. I'll be a quarter of a million dollars in debt. I'll be held hostage in field that could devour me.

Deciding to matriculate to medical school is taking a huge leap of faith. How can I be sure it's what I want....

How did I even get here

Being a doctor is not always something that I've wanted to do. I grew up wanting to own a business. I can say that I've owned two. Both showed strong revenue and promising profits. However, I left them behind for various reasons.

I graduated high school with a 2.07 GPA. It's embarrassing and pathetic. I'm not quite sure why I got that GPA. It was probably the laziness and lack of motivation. It wasn't until I was a senior in high school that I discovered I wanted to be a doctor. Unfortunately, it's not a neat or entertaining story. However, I will share it anyway...

I had a basic surgery on my foot that was due to an old sports injury. The bone was broken and would never heal on its own. So, they took it out. Up until this point, I had never had surgery. I think it goes without saying that I was pretty scared. My fear wasn't that I would die or lose my foot. It was that I would wake up in the middle of the surgery and be aware of what was going on. I didn't want that. It sounded terrifying.

My anesthesiologist walked in and gave me the run down on the procedure. Long story short, he sucked. He told me I might wake up. At this point, I was flipping out. The surgery went fine and there were no complications.

However, as I healed from surgery, I began thinking about that doctor, the anesthesiologist. I remember thinking that I could do much better than him. I went in there terrified and he told me exactly what I didn't want to hear. So, I began researching jobs in medicine, specifically anesthesia. I thought I could do better than him. I wanted to do better than him. I knew what is was like to be scared and I hated it. I thought to myself, "I want to ease a patient's fear; to ease their pain".

That's how it all started. It should be noted that the above is rather vague. I had toyed with being a doctor as a child but never took it seriously. It appears that I fell into this choice quickly but I really did take the time and decide. I had always been the "go to" person with problems. My close friends and family will disagree with this because they never saw that side of me. I did my best to hide it. I typically "helped" people who were acquaintances or classmates. I usually always went out of my way to help. I frequently put their welfare ahead of mine. I never really expected anything in return other than a thank you or their appreciation. I never regretted doing that. It was just the way I was.

The first of many

This is my first post on the blog. I hope it is one of many. I created this blog to help determine if being a physician is really what I want to do. My goal is to inform my friends, family, etc.. of what I'm going through, why I'm going through it, and if I think it will be worth it.

Naturally, those who stumble upon this who are farther ahead of me on this "road" will likely be irate that I have the audacity to post the thoughts, ideas, and fears of a lowly pre-med. Well, I don't really care what those people think about this. I'm doing this for me and for the people around me.

I want to determine if medicine is right for me. I think this will help. After all, becoming a physician is a life-long commitment. Nothing so demanding should be taken lightly.